Review #70: Beyond Eden, by Kele Moon

Disclosure: this review is going to be kind of a cheat. I downloaded this off of Netgalley, added it to my list of books to review, and promptly forgot about it. I went to Amazon to refresh my memory, and that didn't help much.

I do remember that it involved a girl and two of her male friends. One of them loves her, she loves the other one, the other one's kind of a jerk. I'm pretty sure that at some point, they all wind up sleeping with each other in various combinations. I'm even more sure that the girl realizes she's loved the wrong guy and winds up with the right guy. Other than that, I can't tell you a single thing about it, including whether the sex was any good, so that should tell you something.

Review #26: Enslaved, by Shoshanna Evers

One of the side effects of the success of Fifty Shades is the plethora of BDSM novels that have come out. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; after all, Twilight gave birth to about a half-million different vampire stories. (Seriously. I was in the teen section of Barnes & Noble this weekend (don't judge!), and that was all there was. I feel bad for kids who don't like vampires. What are they supposed to read?

Anyway, on to the story. Elisabeth is a recently uncollared sub (in a weird and halting B side to the novel, her former Master realizes he's gay), who has been sent to be trained by Trevor, one-third of the BAD boys club. The BAD (Billionaire Arrogant Doms) Boys are the hottest thing at Manahattan's hottest BDSM club, The WhipperSnapper. It's a nice set up for a trilogy (what's with the trilogies all of a sudden? Can't someone just write a book?), with secondary characters Marc and Roman rounding out the threesome.

Elisabeth is true masochist, and Trevor, for all his dominance, isn't exactly a sadist. He's falling in love with Elisabeth, and wants hearts and flowers along with his spreader bars and nipple clamps. Realizing that Elisabeth isn't quite the way he needs her to be, he sends her to Roman for further training. Elisabeth is sad and confused and misses Trevor, but knows she must complete this training to go back to him. But it's not as easy as she hopes; Roman is falling in love with her, and Elisabeth is starting to develop reciprocal feelings.

Things come to a head when she runs back to her former Master to figure things out, and, of course, he helps her make her choice. It's utterly predictable, of course, and there's actually very little conflict. A few dramatic speeches, a few tears, and then there's a happily ever after ending.

My biggest problem with this book was, ironically, the sex. I've read my share of books with sex - everything from Judith Krantz (I think that was my first lesbian scene) to Danielle Steele to Fifty Shades to erotica collections. This fell somehwere near Danielle Steele in the spectrum. Actually, it was Danielle Steele with a side of clinical coldness. It was almost bizarre in its non-sexiness.

I hate leaving trilogies unfinished, but I think this is one that's better left forgotten.

Review #20: Wicked Pleasure, by Lora Leigh

So it turns out that when the back cover of the book says that the lead character is fearful of "facing the world knowing she's a lover to both men," that translates to "at the same time". Which if that's your thing, then hey, good for you, but I don't think it's necessarily for me. Especially when it's twin brothers. That borders a little too close to, you know, incest.

Jaci Wright is an architect (I think? it's never really truly defined), who has been hired by her friend's new husband to redesign the interior of some sort of club that, as it happens, is some sort of sex club. Its members are high ranking men who like to share their wives with other men, but it's not "like that". It's so that they could have another man look after their wives should the need arise. Because this is 17th century Europe and they might need a second in a duel? The heads of security for this club are Chase and Cam Falladay, who are super hot and like to have sex with women together. Cam's in love with Jaci, but he can only express that when his brother is with him.

I don't know. I admit I skimmed this book because, well, it's a book you definitely skim, but there were whole chunks that came out of nowhere. (Like the sex club. And the whole sharing thing. And, bizzarrely, a psuedo-scandal involving a senator. And the climax. Especially the climax.) The sex was good, but the rest of the book didn't make up for it.

Review #12: Beautiful Bastard, by Christina Lauren

Beautiful Bastard started out as Fifty Shades of Twilight fanfic. Someone, some really, really, really stupid someone, actually greenlit this pile of crap and published it. On paper. With, you know, ink and glue. That person should be fired.

Chloe Mills is an intern at a big, fancy-schmancy family company, and she's working for Bennett Ryan, who is the surly prodigal son, recently back from Europe and poised to take charge of the company. Somehow, Chloe knows the Ryan family, including Bennett's dad, and they all love her, but for some reason, Bennett hates Chloe, and Chloe thinks he's a jackass. Which, he kind of is, so I can't fault her for that. But what I can fault her for is that five pages in, she's leaning over a conference room table, and Bennett's got his hand up her skirt, ripping her underwear, and suddenly, they're boinking all over the place.

Of course, Chloe's horrified, and Bennett clams up, and he goes back to being a jackass, and she goes back to being... whatever Chloe is. But ten pages later, they're boinking again. Lather, rinse, repeat, and you know what the most annoying part is? He rips her underwear every freaking time. And little Miss Chloe here doesn't wear Hanes Her Way. No, ma'am. She wears Agent Provacateur and La Perla. On an intern's salary. And likes it when Bennett rips her drawers. I'm here to tell you, if I spent three hundred bucks on a pair (one pair!) of underwear, I don't care if it's George Clooney himself, nobody's ripping my skivvies. My biggest splurge is the 5 for $25 sale at Target, and I think I'd get mad if George ripped one of those. (Well, maybe not. It's George. Probably I could make him buy me some new ones.)

And then, the book just... ends. Sex, sex, sex, underwear ripping, sex, big fight, weird uncomfortable slightly rapey scene in a lingerie shop, sex, sex, underwear ripping, sex, and then that's it.

Chloe, honey? Kick Bennett to the curb, find someone who's not going to be all rapey in the conference room, and maybe get some therapy. And Bennett? Grow up and get over yourself. You are a jabillionaire with a nice family who loves you. You have no reason to be all angsty. And learn to do the BDSM thing the right way, dude.

You know what this book is? It's porn. Which is okay. I like porn, if it's well done. But this is bad porn. With bad sex. Bad cheesy hairy 70s porn with a big giant porn stashe and a bow chicka wow wow soundtrack. Ew.